I’m John Conway, and I disapprove of this message…

By John Patrick Conway, Jr.

Last week I was asked by someone what I thought of the Presidential debates on television. I just stared back at this person with a blank look upon my face. Obviously, this was yet another who does not read my weblog. While I allowed this pregnant pause to stew for effect, I debated with myself as to how far I would go in answering my assailant’s question. In the end, I simply countered with a question of my own: What Presidential Debate?

I was going to let it go at that, but my inquisitive party stared to answer what I thought to be an obviously rhetorical question. They didn’t get five words out before I stifled them with an answer that would make it plainly clear as to why I was apparently so disassociated with current events, and it went something like this:

“Look, what you’re referring to as a “debate” for me constitutes an affront upon my sensibilities and is an insult to my intelligence. Instead of rewarding the gratuitously-ad revenue hungry Networks with fodder by which they will justify their rate cards to corporate advertisers intoxicated by their thirst for money, and all the power it buys, I just assume do something really important with my time like, oh, I don’t know…maybe shave my Junk for my next blow-job at the latest Gentleman’s Club to favor my patronage…”

To me, a debate of this nature would broach subject matter both relevant to and bracing of America’s attention. It would air and vet differences central to their message, making the case as to why they can, and will, best serve Americans as a whole. What the Networks and their Pimp’s at both the Democratic and Republican Parties serve up, however, is a carefully scripted and embarrassingly empty Dog and Pony show that neither addresses the concerns of everyday Americans, nor offers any pragmatic means by which they will accomplish their mandate of embracing the will of the majority…whatever that may really be!

So since I’m now on a roll and all fired up, let me tell you what I would’ve heard if I watched that portion of the debate where the incumbent and his challenger would make their final plea for the nation’s support…only this time with the volume on mute.

We’ll start with the challenger, Mitt Romney:

“Thank you, my fellow American’s. Blaa-blaa-blaa, lie-lie-lie, I’m a privileged and preening rich douche, born into and hope to continue as a proud member of America’s 1%, who lives off the passive income of interest and dividends; who has never really had to work for anything my entire life, and is living proof that in the real America I know and love, it takes money most Americans will never see to make money…and I plan to keep it that way because, lets be frank, the less for you – the more for me...and that’s what it takes to stay at the top of America’s New Monarchy.

But, make no mistake (as my predecessor George Bush used to love to start his sentences with), I have had enough success in political life by falsely aligning myself with whatever it is the voting public wishes to hear. For the most part, I have no real common ground with most Americans as evidenced by and borne out of my recent uncharacteristic moment of honesty where, even I have to admit, caught me by surprise when I was quoted as saying that 47% of Americans see themselves as victims. That maybe all well and true, but it doesn’t serve me or my ilk to admit it. I prefer to see the world the way it should be: you, the “voting public,” as commoners to the 1% Masters, like me and mine, that comprise our New Monarchy. So in closing I’d just like to say sit down, shut-up, and do as you’re told…

Oh! And one more thing before I go. I wish to make it patently clear to Americans in general, and Republicans in particular, as to why they should show at the polls and vote Red come this November 6, 2012. Our Party has committed unprecedented resources and man-hours to stifle and usurp the efforts of President Obama these past four years and for no good reason than to show that we can, and as an added benefit to serve warning upon those who even remotely should demonstrate the least amount of initiative where rocking the boat of the Status Quo is concerned. That’s right my bitches.”

…ah, thank you, Governor Romney? And now we’ll hear from our incumbent, his honor, the President of the United States, Barack Obama:

“Thank you, my fellow Americans. Four years ago, I came to you with a message of hope and a plan for change; to usher in a new era where the privileged and disenfranchised alike could not only peacefully coexist, but thrive in a partnership that benefited all in a fair and equitable manner, and where the success of one would lay in the hands of the other. And despite the fact that there was nothing within my Congressional record to justify the heady and fanciful claims where I professed to possess the talent and wherewithal to be a vehicle by which to effect such change…you all bought it! Hook, line and sinker…Suckaaaaaaas!

In all fairness, though, one only has to look at the absolute Retard and his eight-year administration I replaced. So starved were you for a change that I could’ve said 2+2=8 and you would’ve bought it. And lets not forget all those celebrity endorsements. It truly is amazing what the stewardship of Oprah Winfrey and the like can accomplish. Isn’t it? If it should make you all feel any better, Oprah didn’t get as much access to the Whitehouse as I’m sure she would’ve liked either. Wifey pretty well saw to that…

Look, lets just be honest here for a change (pun intended) and look at the situation for what it is. I’m a realist, and I understand better than you think what side my political slice of bread is buttered on. I am, first and foremost, a Wall Street Democrat. That’s right, money talks and bullshit walks. I’ve a future to think of and nothing says Well done, Uncle Tom like a nice, big, fat retainer from J.P. Morgan Chase & Co. and Goldman Sachs for legal services yet to be rendered.

To be completely honest, though, I was really out-classed by the Office I hold, but you should still be willing to drink my Cool-Aide for another four years because, well, you just heard my friend and colleague, Mitt, from across the political divide…

Seriously, I would love to live in a world where the character of following through on your promises actually means something but, my fellow Americans, we do not live within that world. Truth be told, an Ivy League education and a Doctor of Jurisprudence is not the make of a leader. I believe I have shown them for what they really are: commodities to be bought and sold as tickets where one barters for access to a system that demands you check your principles at the door.

...Are you listening, boys and girls?

So in closing I’d just like all of you out there, who wagered upon their faith in my promises, to know that I really did try and be a good President. I’m not really sure where I lost my way. I suspect it was somewhere around the time where my realization that the Public Option on my Heath Care Reform Bill had run up against the cold reality of political life here in Washington D.C. In the end, I prostituted my values in the name of political expediency on so many issues that after a while it just seemed second nature. For what it is worth, I was only able to sleep at night when I had finally convinced myself that this is the way the game is played inside The Belt, and that a lesser President would not have fought as hard as I…

Boo-hoo-hoo, have mercy and vote me some love. Right on. Yo be cool. 

Besides, what else do you have to do? It's not like many of you out there have real jobs to go to, or homes to tend anymore...right?”

So, yeah, there it is. Was I really missing out on anything? I didn’t think so…

Copyright November 6, 2012. All rights reserved.